DarjeelinGirl

The truth is I was so mad at him that I really did want to strangle him. I could picture myself grabbing his collar with two hands aiming to cut off his source of air, squeezing tighter and tighter until he lay limp in my hands. Then I could beat him on a rock like an old dirty rag until he fell to pieces and flakes that I could trample triumphantly into the dirt.

You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13).

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell (Matthew 5:21).

The truth is, as long as I felt like that, I was stuck. Spiritually, I was trying to live all the other areas of my life and in worship to the Lord with my hands glued to this other person in the moment of the transgression, even though that moment was long gone! Not a very abundant life there. I knew I still had an issue with this guy, even after four years. I tried to shake it. I prayed about it. I prayed for him. But my grip refused to loosen. It even started to harden. Fear began to coat it, too. The anxiety caused me pain that resulted in irritation towards my kids, insensitivity towards others, demanding neediness with my friends, and fifty extra pounds. What a way to make him pay for what he had done to me!

The truth is I was actually worshipping this guy! Hating him had actually turned into a twisted adoration. My every waking moment was filtered by what I imagined he thought, or would think, or was doing, or would do if he knew what was going on in my life. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing in my relationship with God? This fear-painted, petrified anger had actually turned into an idol, a stone-cold, false god.

You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below (Exodus 20:3-4).

The truth is that’s what unforgiveness looks like.

I was stuck and I knew it. And Matthew 18:35 haunted me, “You need to forgive him from your heart. You need to forgive him from your heart…” I wanted to honor my Lord, but in my own self, I just couldn’t. In my journal earlier that morning I had written, “My love cannot forgive him. Your love can. I am to embrace, abide in Your love when it comes to him or anyone else.” But it wasn’t until a few hours later that I actually knew what I had prayed.

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave you all your sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against you and that stood opposed to you; He took it away, nailing it to the cross (Colossians 2:13-14).

Along with a confession of my idolatry, I knew I had to cancel the debt he owed me. Nothing he could do at this point could ever repay the damage, anyway. It’s water long gone under the bridge. The best I could do was get myself off the bridge and move on with my own life. So in repentance, out of a sheer act of desperate obedience, I wrote a letter to the one I held so dear before the One I worship, asking forgiveness for myself and releasing him from ever needing to make up for what he had done. I nailed it to a life-sized wooden cross. I will never forget the sensation I had as I laid the hammer down. My hands cooled as if holy water poured over my palms. “I have clean hands. My hands are clean,” peacefully washed through my mind. Later I realized that I had symbolically let go of his neck. Spiritually, I was no longer stuck.

Who may ascend the hill of the LORD?
Who may stand in his holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false.
He will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God his Savior.
Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek your face, O God of Jacob.
Psalm 24:3-6

Now I really understand Matthew 18 where the King had a cow over the unmerciful servant who had thrown a friend into jail for pennies after he had just been forgiven a huge debt. The King threw the servant and his whole family into prison to be tortured until his debt was repaid. Like that could ever happen hanging from a rack! I used to think, “Sheesh! Isn’t that a bit harsh?” But now I get it. That unforgiveness grows into a monster just like the little purple fib in Larry Boy and the Fib from Outer Space. It did torture me and my whole family and anybody I could dump it on. In reality, the debt that I owed God was bigger than the sin that was perpetrated against me. This guy had sinned against me and I had turned it around and sinned against him, God and a whole boat load of people by responding with self-pity, bitterness and idolatry. No wonder Jesus could say,

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart” Matthew 18:35.

The truth is it was by the supernatural power of the Father that Jesus could do what He did on the cross for me and the whole world for all of history. Therefore, because He lives within me, what I have to forgive in my solitary life is nothing. Because the Father offers all of that same redeeming power of His love to me, I can forgive as God asks me to.

I confess that until I went through a divorce and the subsequent shattering of all my Christian paradigms, I thought Jesus existed for me, not the other way around. I became a Christian in 1984 and I know now that I literally believed that if I just obeyed God faithfully enough, Jesus would take care of all my problems. Logically then, if I had problems, I just wasn’t a good enough Christian. I don’t know where or how exactly those weeds got sown into my soul, they probably stem from my comfort seeking culture, but they grew nonetheless. Imagine my dismay, nay, my trauma and shock when that all blew up the night my husband of thirteen years walked out on me and three kids. It felt a lot like being violently thrust without a parachute from an airplane at 30,000 feet. I really must have been a horrible disciple. Perhaps leading those bible studies, homeschooling my kids, sharing those potlucks, doing those outreaches, supporting my husband through every move and career change, shunning the things of the world and reading my bible everyday just weren’t good enough for such a holy and perfect God. Or maybe I just didn’t know this God of mine at all…

Thank God (and I really do), He caught me mid-fall.

I learned the hard way that life with God is not about avoiding discomfort - it’s about facing and overcoming discomfort without sinning and in order to have character to do that, one must use the discomforts of life as the training ground. That’s why James 1:2-4 says, Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. So here I had spent sixteen years of my life avoiding (by doing good works!) the very things that would create mature, loving, godly character in me. All along, the whole point of walking with God was to see His love come through my heart in my circumstances so that I could pass it on to others. It definitely was NOT about doing enough good works to shore up my own little Christian utopia on a fallen, dying, temporary planet.

When God caught me, He replaced the lie that it was all about me and my comfort to the fact that it’s all about Him and His glory. When I run to Him and follow Him through the land mines of each day, life can - for real - be good, a good I’ve never truly known before. It may be hard and wrought with discomfort, pain and tears, but His glory is worth it. Of course, I wouldn’t wish the tragedy of betrayal and divorce on anybody, but I won’t give back what I’ve gotten in the safety net of His Reality.

My yard has no deciduous trees in it whatsoever. The only leaves we get are those that blow from our neighbors to the north. Last fall, our neighbor to the south had a good crop of leaves and we asked her if we could rake them to jump in them. She said sure, but what I didn’t realize (I learn everything about home and lawn care - no, about everything in life - the hard way) is that the pile we left killed her grass over the winter. I felt horrible come spring time. So this year we were gonna make it up to her, but her tree left no leaves! So we wrote a poem and gave her a nice indoor, non-shedding plant along with it. Before the server crash I asked for suggestions for the last line. This is what we ended up with…

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darjeelingirl **a t** comcast **d o t*** net

This is my B.L.O.G.

My Beliefs.

My Life.

My Opinions.

My G… Can’t think of anything for G yet - needs to be something about “I delete all nasty comments.”

Ok, I’ve been fooling around with this weblog for 2-3 weeks now. It’s kind of like when I can’t start working in my office or start a new project until my desk or room is cleaned up - which usually usurps the whole deal… Well, the kinks on the page will have to get worked out as I go…

This is my blog! Wow. I feel like a kid in a candy store. I love to write. When I was a kid, I was the “18-page girl who just wouldn’t shut up”. Unfortunately, few, if anybody, wanted to read those 18 (million) pages. But now I can write for the whole world! So it’s kind of like therapy to my inner child to be bloggin’ - I finally have a captive audience (or at least I can imagine that I do). I hope it blesses everyone who stops by. And I promise not to write 18 million pages (in one post).

A little bit more about myself:
My name is Patsy. Age wise, I’m at the point when the Israelites reached the Promised Land. I hope that has some significance in my life. I’m a single mom of 3 kids ages 5 to 11 6-12. I’ll probably write a lot about that because often I react as though the situation is meant to kill me. However, I am seeing now that God is using that whole crucible to show me who He really is and what it means to be His daughter. Go figure…

I work as a writing tutor and editor and I homeschool my kids, all of which I absolutely love. That whole story totally blows people’s socks off, but I will have to put that in another post so I don’t break my promise above.

I live in Minnesota and worship with a precious community called bluer, a Vineyard church. My favorite season is fall and I must say, Minnesota had a darn good one this year! Besides writing, I most enjoy watercolor painting, reading, talking with God, and encouraging others as we journey to the heart of the Unseen Real.